Rascal's Worst Day Ever

I love my son. Really I do. But some days I'm not his biggest fan. Like last Friday.

For all of you childless adults out there, this is a spoiler site. All the little catastrophes that you have to look forward to, should you decide to reproduce.

Here's how it went down.

My son is 2 years old. He loves cars and he loves our microwave oven. Unfortunately the two don't mix. I left him watching an episode of "Buzz Lightyear" to take out the mail; I was gone for about a minute.

When I returned, black smoke was billowing out of the kitchen from the microwave. Yes, some sorry car was nuked. Thankfully my son had chosen one of his plastic models, not a diecast metal one, but the microwave still didn't survive.

I needed to remove the unit from the house, but it was really hot. I found my oven mitts despite the tears streaming down my face from the acrid smoke and carried the microwave outside. Then I returned inside to air the place out.

While I was doing that, he whipped off his diaper and began to run around the house shrieking with laughter. We're potty training now too, so he has a huge fascination with toilets and private parts. I could sense what was coming, so I hurriedly opened the last window and rushed over to ...

yes, it was too late. He piddled on the carpet, 'cuz goshdarnit, peeing on the hardwood, tile or linoleum floors just isn't naughty enough. I was pretty ticked, and the house was still smoky, so I sent his naked self outside for a time out while I cleaned up.

Another thing he loves is my front flower bed. There is a large clay planter beside it. At least there was. Spank #1 followed. I cleaned that up, too.

Finally, he and I went back inside. I could hear little brother wailing in his crib, feeling left out of the action. So I took Rascal and Baby into the living room, which was now relatively smoke free. I put Baby on the couch for a moment to grab a diaper for Rascal.

When I returned, there was a fresh spot on the carpet... of piss. Spank #2, then I put on his diaper. I made him sit on the "naughty chair" while I went to get more towels to clean up his pee.

I walked in on Rascal standing on Baby's chest. I ran at him like a linebacker and plopped him back onto the naughty chair rather firmly. As I frantically checked Baby for permanent damage, I heard Rascal behind me playing with his cars again.

That kid never misses a beat.

So I have to buy a new microwave now and probably should shampoo the carpet again (I just did it a few weeks ago). What a great day!