MamaNotes, Volume 1: Clothing your Child

Keywords: catching, naked, squirming, flexibility, underpants

Introduction

An experienced mother knows how to transition from the bathtub to pajamas smoothly and efficiently. With time, injuries may be kept to a minimum and this process will no longer be traumatic for parent or child. A beginner may experience time delays of 20 or 30 minutes, but with practice you will see great improvements into the single digit range.

Chapter 1

The experienced mama knows that an effective pajama routine begins before the child exits the bathwater. She anticipates the wet, wriggling body's escape attempt and is prepared.

Step 1: Select an extra large bath towel that has not been laundered with fabric softener; this will improve your grip. Shielding yourself with the towel draped between your arms, remove the squirming child from the bathtub and pinion his arms to his sides. Use a spider technique to quickly swaddle your flailing youngster with the extra material until they are tucked in mummy-tight.

The new mama makes the fatal error of lifting the child out of the bath without the traction of a coarse towel. A baby's body is far slipperier than a greased pig and more flexible besides. She will not regain control of her child until he's grown tired of jumping up and down on the top bunk and comes down by choice. A new mama does not realize that hollering for him to come "right now, OR ELSE!" makes it even funnier. For the kid.

Step 2: Have underpants and pajamas already laid out on the bed. Unwrap your child in stages while holding him on your lap, immobilizing each limb as it emerges from the towel. Should the child resort to such methods as head-butting, back arching, or scratching, use one of your legs to restrain him seatbelt-style across his lap and stuff one arm into your armpit. Use your idle hand to clamp his head against your chest and apply gentle pressure with your head against his to discourage his range of motion.

The new mama will have a momentary advantage here, as her child is exhausted from jumping on the bed. As long as the little fella doesn't see the clothes she holds behind her back, she may have a chance to make up some lost time.

Step 3: Using your arm (from the elbow down) that has his stuffed in your armpit, reach for the pajamas and underpants. Ignore the pajama bottoms briefly, hold the gitch waistband between your teeth and quickly slide the pajama shirt onto his head. Ensure that you do not pull the shirt all the way down; a short period of disorientation with the shirt over his eyes will give you a critical moment to sneak his legs into the holes of the underpants. Retain your grip on the waistband; he will immediately jump off your lap, at which time his downward motion will slide the underwear onto his bum. In his moment of consternation, you can pull the shirt off his face and over the belly.

The new mama will make the mistake of putting gitch on first. As soon as she starts scrunching up the p.j. shirt in preparation of dressing, he will pull the gitch off. She'll drop the shirt and pull up the pants, then start gathering the shirt again. He'll pull his underwear off again, and so the cycle will continue.

Step 4: Use the cumbersome attempts of your youngster to remove his p.j. top to your advantage; unless he is very experienced, it will take time for him to wriggle out past the point of no return. During this time, hoist him stomach-down onto the bed. Flop your leg gently but securely over his bum. His back-arching maneuvers will bring him no advantage in this position, and will actually deliver his flopping legs to your location. Take little heed of the sounds of popped stitches as you pull the pants up over stubborn ankles.

The new mama will never get this far. She will have given up and decided that pajamas are highly overrated anyway.

Step 5: Before your child has come to full realization that you've won, snatch him up into your arms and in a gleeful voice announce that it's time for a snack! Let him ride piggyback to the kitchen, whooping and "Yeeeeeehaw"-ing all the way.

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I hope all of you childless readers took notes. There will be a test ... eventually.