My field trip to the Liquor Mart

Today the boys are at preschool, and while I should be catching up on all the tasks that have been piling up around the house I instead opted to go out and buy booze.

I was excited be out sans kids, so I couldn't resist primping it up a little. Some makeup, new sexy jeans, my avocado-colored long wool coat, and the b*tch boots I picked up on my recent trip to Toronto.

Yes, I've upgraded from the grandpa shoes at last. You can't go swanning around the shops with your shoes making shlupp-shlupp sounds on the floors; my b*tch boots make a satisfying thwock-thwock that draws just the right amount of ingratiating customer service from the clerks.

My b*tch boots (or so I hear they're called) vs. the grandpa shoes. I think we can all agree it was time to switch.

My first stop was the wine store. I don't think of myself as a connoisseur exactly, but I had certain labels in mind. The selection was overwhelming and my original plan to nip in and out was foiled. It was a pleasant diversion though, and aside from my ongoing struggle to avoid making gaffes (i.e. accidentally- on-purpose grabbing 6 bottles of cheap stuff) in front of the staff trolling the aisles, I managed to find a few old favorites. A particular Côtes du Rhône red was high on that list, which I thought would be easy to find only to discover that the name refers to a region.

It was a good thing I was prepared for my own foolishness. It was kind of like the first time I went wine shopping without someone knowledgeable. That time, I pranced up to customer service and asked for "merlot".

Later, I stopped at the ABC store for spirits. Here I was even more out of my league. As much as I consider myself something of a wine snob (which, clearly, I'm more like a wine doofus), I have no business shopping for hard alcohol.

Because I shop by price. So for example, I wanted to buy cognac. I had no idea but being all dressed up like I was, I had to pretend I was a savvy customer with a clue. I stalled for time by the Smirnoff and waited for a clerk to amble by.

"I'm deciding on a quality cognac", I fibbed.

He proceeded to explain the differences between the brands as I nodded intelligently. Not surprisingly, the one he recommended cost $49.99. I may act like a snob but I shop like a miser. There was no way I was going to spend that kind of money, but also no chance I would pick up the $19.99 bottle.

"It's more for my husband anyway, and actually he likes to pick it out himself." Nothing could be farther from the truth, but Husband isn't as big a poser as I am. So I passed that buck.

I walked out with my Smirnoff and Bacardi. My b*tch boots were pinching and it was time to go pick up my boys. I think I made out alright. And if not, I know where another ABC store is.