Drive Yourself to Drink in 5 Easy Steps

Redecorating Tweenie's room has turned into an epic saga--unfortunately minus the half naked warriors, mythic beasties, and squabbling of bored deities. The paint fumes have made things interesting though.

Yesterday was a miserable damp day, and with little else to amuse ourselves since we downgraded to peasant vision (read here: basic cable), I decided it was finally time to tackle the beanbag chair. Remember that one? I've been trying not to, but some recent pointed remarks on Husband's part have motivated me.

It quickly became clear I was headed down a dark path. Here's how I drove myself to drink - in 5 easy steps....

1. On an idle Sunday afternoon, browse through your local big box furniture store for home decorating ideas. Allow your tweenaged daughter to lead the way through armoires and bunk beds directly to the PlayStation section, featuring beanbag chairs and other themed accessories.

To discourage any possibility of begging, prep for a full eye roll and snort when you flip the price tag. Convince yourself that your 'A' in 8th grade Home Ec is a more than sufficient qualification for reproducing something as basic as a beanbag chair.

2. Procrastinate for a few weeks under the guise of having to finish up other outstanding projects until the pleading forces the issue. Make another Sunday afternoon outing to the fabric store, congratulating yourself on the money you've saved so far. Try not to dwell on the fact that this is a considerably more expensive project than you originally assumed.

3. Select a dull, wet day to begin your project. You'll belatedly realize that you can't send the kids outside in such weather when they're pawing through your notions, but note the title of this post is not "How to Whiz Your Way Through a Simplicity Pattern in 15 minutes or less".

Since your preschooler will be eager to participate, enlist his help in (what you assume to be) an age-appropriate manner. Sound really convincing when you explain that his cutting of the remnants into teeny pieces and gluing them on construction paper is the same as making the actual beanbag chair. Try not to feel guilty when he realizes the truth and begins to sob. To be true to this process of driving yourself batty as quickly as possible, plant him on your lap and attempt to cut the slippery fabric at the same time. Thank your lucky stars that you had the foresight to buy extra yardage.

P.S. If you're stupid enough to ask your kids to take some action shots for your blog, don't be embarrassed about the result.

4. As you assemble the pieces, ignore those suspicious crashing noises the baby is making in the kitchen. Until you hear crying or samurai shouts, assume that the situation is not yet dire enough to warrant stepping away from your sewing. Later, conscript all children into stuffing duty. Maintain a vague idea of the geographical spread of project supplies for quick and easy clean-up when finished.

When all attempts to enforce group tidying have failed, herd all children into playroom. Instruct them to not exit the area upon pain of death or revocation of all WebKinz privileges. Call Husband to remind him that you have plans this evening and he was supposed to be home already. Clean up alone, secretly glad for a few moments of peace. Take some extra strength Tylenol. Admire finished product (minus the hole for stuffing that you'll hand sew shut... eventually).

5. Realize you are going to be late meeting your friends. Rush through your beauty routine (or at least, removing traces of packing peanuts from your hair and changing your shirt) and head out for the evening. Forget to check the address, then call Husband in a panic asking him to MapQuest the location for you.

Show up at the restaurant 30 minutes late. Order a glass of chardonnay before realizing your friends are all drinking virgin Margaritas. Laugh it off and order an extra large portion of garlic bread. Your friends are busy moms too and won't judge you for it. Have a fabulous time and stay out late enough to guarantee that all the kids will be asleep by the time you get home.

Since it all ended so well, I think I'm up for the next project.