Why didn't you mention this before?

My life is Tantie's very best birth control solution. I love my life and my kids, but there are so many things my mom and aunts never mentioned about the realities of life with children.

"Surely my kids never did that!" they'll exclaim. Or: "I only remember the good times. You'll forget your trials soon enough."

Yeah, conveniently forget. Just in time for when Tweenie starts having her own family I suppose. However, it's one thing to glam things up when you're hankering to become a Grandma, but another when you're in the trenches. And so, new moms and moms-to-be, this post is dedicated to you.

5 Things They Really Should've Mentioned Earlier

1. Newborn poop doesn't smell... compared to a toddler's jobbie. Enjoy those months while they are still breastfeeding because it truly is the best time of your diapering days. Delay introducing solid foods as long as possible. Seriously.

2. There is no such thing as too many toys. You can try to convince your 8-year-old that she doesn't need any more Barbies or WebKinz, but you will lose that battle. If you are concerned that she won't play with everything she has because it's too much, take a tour through her bedroom after a sleepover and prepare to be proven wrong.

3. Potty training will probably take a good year from start to finish. Just when you think you're in the clear, they'll hide behind a curtain and fill their Diego underpants. You don't want to deal with this, so just chuck the whole mess into the outdoor trashcan. You can always buy more underwear later. Also, don't bother with licensed stuff. Plain white Hanes can be bleached if necessary and costs much less to replace.

4. There is nothing wrong with using babyish names for private parts. Do you want to be standing in line at Costco when your little guy starts calling his brother "Mr. Penis"? Didn't think so.

5. Children can survive for years on apple juice and Ritz crackers. Don't take it personally, they will grow out of it. You can't force them to eat their veggies, because they might store it in some corner of their cheek and spit it out after dinner. I know this because I did it when I was little. My parents definitely remembered that one.

There are at least 50 zillion other tips I could give you, but as I write this I realize why such things are kept so quiet. I'm pretty sure it's inappropriate for parents to take revenge on their children for all the gross and naughty things they do, so they take a nasty delight in watching new parents flounder about. That's why you'll only get five from me today.

p.s. You may think I'm being overly negative here. Let me assure you that I love being a mom and absolutely would not change a thing, but mushy chirpy posts don't read nearly as well as brink-of-disaster tales and anyway, I'm just trying to keep it real :)