What did you do all day? Let me tell you...

Husband has often commented that he does not enjoy coming home to a steam-snorting frazzled wife and a hastily prepared Tuna Helper with salad (still in the bag) dinner.

Ha, say I. Pardon monsieur, that I don't have the kids dressed, pressed, washed and brushed, lined up at the door to calmly and politely chorus, "Welcome home, dear Father." I will meet him halfway, though, and at least make a super good impression of a busy but upbeat mom with a pot roast and baked potato supper on the table and ready to eat.

As for the children, that is my slacking point. Tweenie will be doing her homework spread all over the living room, Rascal will be in some state of undress, and Kye will have unidentified food (?? let's hope it's food) remnants on his face and shirt. I try to leave my tales of frustration until after dinner is eaten, because bad news usually sits better on a satisfied stomach.

So now that I've done my best to compromise, you might well assume I'd have little patience for snarky comments, such as: "What did you do all day?" Previous indignant assertions that the house is spic and span at least once per 24 hours fall on deaf ears. The gradual repigmentation of my skin from peachy to mottled red is only noticed somewhere just shy of crimson.

I decide to track my waking hours for a few days and present him with evidence that I don't wile away my time gabbing on the phone and watching TV. Not that I actually believe any of this nonsense should be necessary, but I want some sort of proof so that he can't claim my heated rebuttals as excuses invented on the fly.

The First Day
6:30am - Wake up Tweenie, get her fed and off to the school bus
6:45 - Kye up, interferes with the above, fills his pants
6:50 - Try to change diaper quietly so Rascal doesn't wake up, but Kye isn't cooperating
7:00 - Frantically look for lost homework while putting final touches on school lunch
7:10 - Tweenie out the door in the nick of time
7:11 - Rascal up, woken by the slam of the front door
7:15 - Breakfast with the boys (although I don't actually get around to eating)
7:45 - change boys into day clothes, throw breakfast-stained pajamas in the wash
8:15 - bring boys into playroom, I plan to work on my laptop while they play
8:45 - first Time Out
9:15 - second Time Out
9:25 - third Time Out
9:30 - put on a movie for the boys, I try to work again
9:45 - realize Rascal sneaked away
9:55 - find Rascal with hair full of diaper cream
10:00 - realize Kye sneaked away
10:05 - find Kye eating cat food in the closet
10:10 - shower with the boys
10:30 - dress the boys in outfit #2 and jackets, go outside
10:45 - Time Out #4
11:00 - go for a drive... it doesn't matter where
11:30 - end up at McDonald's. They don't deserve to have this treat, but I'll do anything to make the screeching stop
12:30pm - come home, Kye goes for a nap
12:45 - quiet activities with Rascal
2:00 - Kye gets up, back into the playroom
2:30 - sneak away while boys are distracted and frantically start tidying up (notice this is the first moment I have had for this)
2:40 - hear suspicious sounds from playroom, go to investigate
2:45 - Time Out #5
3:00 - Tweenie home, make snack
3:30 - help Tweenie with homework, try to tidy up here and there at the same time
4:00 - business related phone call
4:15 - draft kids into housework
5:00 - some semblance of cleanliness in the house, start dinner prep
6:00 - finish making dinner
6:05 - while setting the table, notice that the whole house is a disaster once again
6:15 - Husband strolls in. Takes stock. "What did you do all day, honey?"

I inhale, ready for a tongue-lashing.

"I called you 'Honey'," Husband lamely notes. Realizing he's still in deep trouble, he hastily apologizes.

"Would you like to see my time card?" I ask sarcastically.

"How 'bout you just sit down and enjoy this really nice supper, and then afterwards I'll put the kids to bed and we can watch a movie together?" he attempts.

He salvages the evening, barely. The next day, he calls from work in the early afternoon and suggests we eat out for dinner. It seems he got the message.

An E-Mail Forward that made me laugh

I got this e-mail forward from a friend who hates forwards almost as much as I do. So when I saw it in my inbox I knew it had to be a good one...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, 'Son... What happened last night?' 'Well Dad, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M MARRIED!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

4 Ideas for a Fun Family Night In

It's impossible for me to plan anything with my friends on Friday evenings. Somehow, this night was universally reserved for Family Night Out - a concept I cannot fathom.

Not in the sense of "Why would I want to spend Friday nights with my kids?", but rather "Go out??" You see, my children behave like complete hooligans whenever we leave the house. Well actually, they behave like hooligans at home too, but at least I'm not publicly humiliated by the goings-on.

The only place my kids can be counted on to set aside the 98% of the DNA we share with chimpanzees and use higher reasoning with the other 2% is at MacDonald's. The simple reason their behavior seems to blend in with public expectation at McD's is because the other children at the restaurant are also behaving like hooligans.

So, when the rest of the world is enjoying a quality meal at the local Chuck E. Cheese's, we stay home. Another hidden benefit of hugging home base is the magical moment when you see them begin to crash, you can pop them into bed immediately and they'll actually accept it.

In our experience, there are 4 sure wins for a great family night in.

1. Movie Night

With the age range in our family, it has to be something we can all enjoy. One of our big favorites is The Swiss Family Robinson - action, romance, ostrich racing, and dueling with pirates. What more could you want?

Unless, of course, it's The Princess Bride. I really shouldn't think it so funny, but I get a kick out of Rascal's Inigo impression as he brandishes his Dark Bayder lightsaber: "You keel my favver. Prepare to die!"

A recent addition to our DVD library is Ratatouille. We've watched it many times already and love to pick up the little nuances those clever Pixar folks include. We're also big fans of Cars.

2. Games Night

Candy Land is one of those classic games you should have around. Rascal's been playing it since his 3rd birthday and can go several rounds before he's bored. Every Christmas we expand our game selection, particularly the classics.

Carcassone is better for older kids because it requires some basic strategy, yet it's a quick game to play (especially compared to, say, Monopoly). You can buy expansion sets to make the game more complex.

Uno is a must-have in our house. We actually own 3 different sets (Princess for Tweenie, Sesame Street for Rascal, and an aged classic version from who-knows-when), and nothing gives our kids more pleasure than when they can wallop Husband or I with a Pick-Up-4 Wild Card.

3. Book Night

Sometimes we're in a more mellow mood, have the fire going and are drinking tea or hot chocolate. The kids love when I read them a book (with character voices, obviously). We've been reading the Narnia series, which has just enough adventure but not too scary to give nightmares later on. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is undoubtedly the best of the bunch.

A friend recommended The Polar Express to us one year. It's a sweet story, but I love it for the amazing illustrations. It's Christmassy though, so we don't usually pull it out any other time.

I started collecting Dr. Seuss after some unscrupulous marketer called me during my Tweenie postpartum days. I had the opposite of PPD; I was so elated to be a new mom that I was unusually friendly to telemarketers and ended up signing on for several children's book collections. I don't regret the Dr. Seuss club though, and our copy of Green Eggs and Ham is in desperate need of replacement. Not only are the books humorous enough, but they are fabulous for new readers.

4. Baking (and eating!)

This can happen on its own or together with another activity. With Tweenie I can bake something special from scratch, but once Rascal was old enough to figure out something fun was going down without his participation, we have had to change our strategy some. Now Kye is at the right age to join in, and so we have defected to Pillsbury. The pre-cut cookies are the easiest for everyone to help with, and you can usually find a generic brand (although not in the variety of flavors).

Another idea we like is to take a cake mix and make cupcakes. I buy the most outrageous muffin cups I can find (after-season is great) and always have icing and food coloring on hand. Depending on how elaborate the creations get, the kids may be distracted for a few hours.

5. Crafts Night. . . NOT

This post is labeled "4 Ideas for a Fun Family Night In", not 5. That's because there is nothing fun about doing crafts with my children. There is only so much tidying up I am willing to do after everyone's in bed, so we leave the craft stuff for the community center. Or if I'm at my wit's end and wiping glue and glitter off of baseboards seems more appealing than any other alternative.

Any more ideas out there? I always like to have a few alternates planned, in case my evening goes horribly horribly haywire.

A Special Night Out

It's that time of year again.

As a child, you eagerly count down the days starting months in advance; as an adult (especially women), you duck your head and hope no one notices the date (although secretly hope that your special someone will make a big hoopla about it).

I'm talking about birthdays. Yesterday was mine.

My good friend informed me that she was coming over at 6 to babysit and expected us to be on our way for a rare evening out by no later than 6:02. I dropped a few hints to Husband that this is one occasion he needs to plan without my help. He obediently obliged.

However, the night didn't exactly go as planned. I'll tell you the story in chronological order, although I only heard the details well after the fact!

Husband (at the office): "Hey guys, need to take the wifey out for her birthday. Some place classy."
Friend: "mumble mumble mumble High Point mumble mumble mumble swanky mumble..."
Husband: "Thanks, dude."

Later, on our way to the restaurant...
Mama: "So, where are you taking me?"
Husband: "I can't remember the name - Marceau's? Marcella? It's in High Point."
M: "As in the city of High Point? Do you have an address?"
H: "We'll find it, I'm sure."
M: "What time is our reservation? Y'know, in case it takes us a little longer to get there?"
H: (with a withering look) "I didn't make one. What's the worst that could happen?"
M: "Uh, they'll send us away!"
H: "No they won't. I'm persuasive."

Still later, as we drove through town for an hour...
M: "Would you please text your friend?"
H: "It's the supper hour, that would be rude."
M: "I'm hungry and it's my birthday! That's rude."
H: "Yes, dear."

Even later, having not received a response yet from his friend...
M: "Let's just go to that Italian place we went to last time."
H: "I'll humor you, since it's your birthday."
M: (sarcastically) "Yes, dear."

Finally at the Italian place, about 1½ hours after leaving our house...
H: "Oh look, got a text from my friend. 'Marisol - 5800 block of High Point Road'." (High Point Road does lead to High Point but it's a very long stretch.)
M: "Maybe we'll try that next time we go out."
H: "Sure, if you'll take care of the arrangements."
M: "That's the plan, my love."

After a satisfying meal of all things cheesy and garlicky, we talked about going to a movie. It was a difficult conversation because we were so overfull and I was tipsy besides. We sat there glassy-eyed and bloated, then finally agreed we were too tired from eating to sit through a movie.

However, it was only 8:30 and I worried that we'd arrive home too early and have to put the kids to bed ourselves (this is a huge ordeal). Plus, I'm pretty sure it's pathetic to come home from a date at that hour.

We debated in the car for a few more minutes about what to do, but then concluded that we'd just go home after all.

"Drive really slowly," I advised. "The later we arrive, the better chances the kids are asleep when we get there.

Suggesting that Husband drive slowly is a ludicrous proposal, as our insurance premiums make clear. In honor of my birthday though, I was able to convince Husband to squeeze it back to 75 mph (the posted limit was 65). We returned home in record time and the noise of the opening garage door easily woke the kids and brought them thundering down the stairs. The frazzled sitter gave us a pitying look and then escaped to her car.

As my sister-in-law pointed out to me this morning, this date was memorable. I was laughing as I related the story to her, so you might also say that the date was a success.

Warning: Creativity requires Chaos

This is what the back seat of the van looked like when we got home. The trunk area was full with... other stuff. I take the Fifth Amendment on that one.

We've been remodeling Tweenie's room, as I've mentioned before. After 5 coats of primer and 3 of lilac and wild rose, I need only touch up the goobs of paint carelessly brushed against the stuccoed ceiling.

I was at this point 2 weeks ago already. Shouldn't I have finished by now? So you'd think.

Instead, Tweenie and I have already planned for the next project, which is a beanbag chair (except it will be stuffed with packing peanuts - I can't even find beans, go figure). We saw a gorgeous one at Rooms To Go Kids for $150, and of course I assumed I could make one for way less. So far, material costs are $75 and I haven't even started yet. This is also assuming I don't make mistakes and have to back for more material.

Wow, it's been an awfully long time since Home Ec in 9th grade.

Husband was quite annoyed when we burst through the door yesterday laden with huge bags of fabric and 8 cubic feet of styro peanuts.

"What are you thinking? Finish the painting first!"

I was affronted, since he has been reluctant at best to help with any of the renovation efforts. I searched around to find a place to store our materials. My closet has gotten quite full, I saw.

I shoved aside 3 poster frames plus wrapped posters and another gallon of paint (intended for artistic swirly things on Tweenie's walls). I huffed and puffed as I restacked the 2 Rubbermaid totes full of scrapbooking supplies and 4 years worth of photos. A half-finished summer top for Tweenie (that no longer fits, and I'm out of material), dumbbells and an exercise ball I bought last January in an inspired moment of fitness resolutions yet to be fulfilled, a Porsche model still in its box and shrinkwrapped (bought for Husband 10 years ago), plus a few other odds and ends that I totally plan to get finished one of these days.

Like I said, I have no idea why Husband was pulling such an attitude.

Back when we were dating, my borderline OCD tendencies demanded that I not even consider beginning something (even urgently required) until all outstanding projects were complete. He said I had a pole up my butt. Now I have obviously overcome this attitude - why isn't he pleased?

In the meantime, Tweenie shares Kye and Rascal's room. They have a fabulous time in there, goofing around when they should be sleeping. It makes for difficult school mornings for her, but glorious early hours for me - the boys are zonked out until at least 9 am. Maybe that's why I still procrastinate.

I love this positive reinforcement thing!

An onorous task turns odorous

This is what this post will be about. Read on, at your peril.

I was washing the dishes - easily my least favorite chore- and Rascal was helping.

"Helping": a.k.a. explaining loudly how to wash and sort each item to the minutest detail. Adding extra soap (it's concentrated, so four squirts really goes a long way), elaborating on the general yuckiness of steamed veggies, and insisting on rinsing each item personally.

Kye was doodling around in the background, pushing random buttons on the computer (QuickTime doesn't work anymore but everything else is fine) and emptying pencil shavings from Tweenie's sharpener onto the floor.

Suddenly, Rascal cracks off a really loud fart. Kye's head whips around, momentarily confused. He trots over to where Rascal is leaning over the sink and lifts his shirt, looking for the source of the strange noise.

Kye is no stranger to farting; more often than not, he is the author of such outbursts. Apparently it's much more interesting when someone else does it, though.

Rascal is oblivious to the goings-on at the back end of his digestive system, engrossed in scratching meatball crud off a dutch oven. As Kye peeks under his shirt, he lets another one loose. Like other aftershocks, this second explosion is a good deal louder and smellier than the first.

Kye drops the shirt hem and staggers back, blinking. "OOH!" he exclaims. Then he retreats to the living room and relative safety. Husband and I crack up. Rascal has noticed none of this. The stench begins to spread through the kitchen and we all escape.

The dishes can wait until later, I reason. This chemical warfare is simply not worth the fight. Now imagine he had eaten those steamed veggies? I guess he was right to turn his nose up at them.

Why didn't you mention this before?

My life is Tantie's very best birth control solution. I love my life and my kids, but there are so many things my mom and aunts never mentioned about the realities of life with children.

"Surely my kids never did that!" they'll exclaim. Or: "I only remember the good times. You'll forget your trials soon enough."

Yeah, conveniently forget. Just in time for when Tweenie starts having her own family I suppose. However, it's one thing to glam things up when you're hankering to become a Grandma, but another when you're in the trenches. And so, new moms and moms-to-be, this post is dedicated to you.

5 Things They Really Should've Mentioned Earlier

1. Newborn poop doesn't smell... compared to a toddler's jobbie. Enjoy those months while they are still breastfeeding because it truly is the best time of your diapering days. Delay introducing solid foods as long as possible. Seriously.

2. There is no such thing as too many toys. You can try to convince your 8-year-old that she doesn't need any more Barbies or WebKinz, but you will lose that battle. If you are concerned that she won't play with everything she has because it's too much, take a tour through her bedroom after a sleepover and prepare to be proven wrong.

3. Potty training will probably take a good year from start to finish. Just when you think you're in the clear, they'll hide behind a curtain and fill their Diego underpants. You don't want to deal with this, so just chuck the whole mess into the outdoor trashcan. You can always buy more underwear later. Also, don't bother with licensed stuff. Plain white Hanes can be bleached if necessary and costs much less to replace.

4. There is nothing wrong with using babyish names for private parts. Do you want to be standing in line at Costco when your little guy starts calling his brother "Mr. Penis"? Didn't think so.

5. Children can survive for years on apple juice and Ritz crackers. Don't take it personally, they will grow out of it. You can't force them to eat their veggies, because they might store it in some corner of their cheek and spit it out after dinner. I know this because I did it when I was little. My parents definitely remembered that one.

There are at least 50 zillion other tips I could give you, but as I write this I realize why such things are kept so quiet. I'm pretty sure it's inappropriate for parents to take revenge on their children for all the gross and naughty things they do, so they take a nasty delight in watching new parents flounder about. That's why you'll only get five from me today.

p.s. You may think I'm being overly negative here. Let me assure you that I love being a mom and absolutely would not change a thing, but mushy chirpy posts don't read nearly as well as brink-of-disaster tales and anyway, I'm just trying to keep it real :)

5 Great Distractions when your kids are driving you bonkers

This Christmas we stayed home and relaxed. Two weeks of intense family time with few social events to fill the calendar sure sounds great, but eventually all of the pancake breakfasts, loads of presents, and nonexistent bedtimes will turn 3 angelic children into 3 complete psychos.

It tends to wear on a Mama's nerves.

I started with an oldie but goodie: "Go play outside with your brothers." Tweenie looked at me with a face that billboarded I'm-pretty-sure-that's-the-stupidest-idea-I've-ever-heard.

"Why don't you guys go help Dad with some yard work," I hinted in Husband's direction.

"Who wants to go grocery shopping with Mama?" he shot back.

OK, fine. So we were going nowhere. It was time to rely on Google for some help. I had to be creative because I had banned certain sites for various reasons ranging from age-inappropriateness to characters or songs that annoy the crap out of me. Thankfully, we came up with some winners.

1. Check out Puke the Pirate. He uses fart power to fly and kills monsters with - what else - puke. Rascal mastered Level 1 while the rest of us giggled at every burp and flatulent outburst. The background music is tolerable too.

Puke the Pirate hurls on an unsuspecting crab interfering with his treasure.

2. As much as I hate the whole WebKinz hype, the site has impressed me with the number of educational games it has. Tweenie is well entertained by several nerdy time killers that manage to sneak some math or science skills under the radar. Rascal and Kye love to watch and shout random suggestions at the monitor.

3. Another wonderful site for preschoolers is FunSchool. Rascal can handle all of the preschool games and Tweenie squeezes in one or two older kids' games between WebKinz sessions. There is a certain snowman game that Rascal plays over and over again until Internet Explorer crashes. He shrieks in rage and pounds like a wild ape on the keyboard until I restart the same game in Firefox.


4. I am a huge fan of pretty much everything on the PBS Kids site. Tweenie loves Cyberchase (a math-based show) and Rascal is all about Super Why (a learn-to-read show). The PBS station runs almost all day anyway, and since I can tolerate most of the shows I must say I am happy to sell out in this particular case.

5. When all else fails, nothing distracts quite like Michael Jackson's History album. We just pop that CD into the stereo, turn up the volume and dance like a couple of maniacs. I can't dance at all, but my efforts burn a lot of calories which in the post-Christmas season is a particularly good idea. It never fails to amaze me how much the kids like this music. Before I realized they thought our music was cool, I used to put on Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker or Swan Lake for Tweenie. Husband was not impressed with the "sissy" music and threatened to haul out his old Def Leppard stuff. I caved.

Now all I have to do is figure out 5 fab suggestions for distracting kids that are driving you bonkers while on a road trip. So far the only suggestion I have is to not go on one. I'll keep you posted, though.