Yeah, I'm intolerant. So sue me!

There are certain things I can't stand. One day, when I've been installed as supreme planetary dictator, I intend to do something about it.

1. Customer service department idiots who gab with their coworkers while they are supposed to be processing my return (and the other 500 people in line) so that I can oblige all the angry starers and remove my shouting children from the store.

2. Telemarketing (the job, not the person - I can differentiate). While this requires no extra clarification, I feel that a little story will demonstrate my antipathy. One such person called on a Saturday at 8:15. I answered very groggily. "Have you had your morning coffee yet, dear?" - her opening line. Yeah, that's gonna win you points. Maybe you're just trying to make ends meet because you're going through a messy divorce and desperately need the cash. Guess what? Not my problem.

3. Uber-friendly waiters servers. Be professional and helpful, not falsely flirtatious. I don't care about what you did last weekend, nor do I want to hear your hilarious dog story. Oh, and don't forget to wear the appropriate number of pieces of flair.

4. Croc wearers. Nurses and garden center workers are exempt from my revulsion, but everyone else - please, say no! Particularly to those who wear socks with crocs, I don't care how trendy they are. They are upsetting my delicate balance and hurting my eyes.

And on a more serious note...

5. Drunk drivers. They oughta throw the book at you people. You could kill someone in your condition. Don't make the rest of the world pay for your fun night out.

6. Celebrities and other high-profile people convicted of crimes but receive special treatment from the judicial system. I heard today on the radio that a certain heiress was released from prison after serving 5 days of 23-45 days due to "health concerns". I guess jail must not be "hot". Given the fact that she was in there because of previous DUI convictions, I refer you to point #5. I wonder if they wear crocs in jail?

7. Child molesters and people who kill their own children. That's right, you are insane. Go get your therapy in the joint. Don't get me started on elective abortion.

Whew, maybe that's getting a little too heavy.

I looked in an atlas and noticed that St. John's, Newfoundland (Canada) is the easternmost tip of North America. Line up, y'all; here's the coast. Start swimming.

Making some sweeping generalizations

As I see it, there are three types of mommies in the world.

Type 1: Booby Warrior
She wouldn't dream of offering formula, at least not for the first year. She organizes and participates in nurse-ins with fellow lactivists and threatens legal action to any passersby who look disapprovingly in her direction.

Type 2: Those-are-not-yours-they're-mine Formula Freedom Fighter
She is the arch enemy of lactivists, offended by public displays of boobage and enjoys the convenience a bottle offers. She doesn't care what you do in private, just don't let the rest of the world - or restaurant - enjoy the show. Don't come to her with your factoids, because several generations of breast-eschewing mothers have produced intelligent, healthy kids (gasp).

Type 3: What's-the-big-deal Mom
She says breastfeeding isn't for everybody, so do what works best for you and your baby's comfort level. Most of us probably fit into this category. Getting all huffy about to boob or not to boob... is that the big question? Sure she has an opinion on the subject, but what's the big deal?

Oh yes, and there's one more type I almost forgot to mention. Have a look-see...

A mother's worth

From time to time I feel the need to wax philosophical. Despite the tone of my blog thus far, I don't find everything funny, at least not until several days after the fact. Some things just never get funny with age, and so we are left with my other voice - the good ole rant 'n rave. I also reserve the right to have 6 different points (not necessarily related) that I will attack simultaneously. It's ok, Husband doesn't read my blog and won't get annoyed about it!

I was reading on MSN about the dollar value of mothering. They say a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) should earn over $138,000/yr, and that a SAHM passes up about $1 million in income, pension and other benefits if she gives up her career for her family. These stats always seem to pop up right around Mother's Day, as if that's the only day when a mother's value is worth mentioning.

I have several issues with the whole thing. First, it amazes me that we still have this debate. That a SAHM performs many jobs that would be expensive to find replacement for should be obvious to anyone. When I was recovering from my C-section last year we had a cleaning lady come in for a few hours every Monday. Cost us $50 each time and that was just for floors, bathrooms and surfaces, not picking up. The figures quoted in the MSN articles don't surprise me at all; I think if you replaced every job a mother performs you would come to the same conclusion. I don't think it properly represents an average family situation though, in that many of the jobs listed would still be done by a parent anyway (eg. driver, launderer, psychologist, etc.). Maybe if dad didn't pitch in at all, or if one of the parents were deceased the figure would be more accurate. Bottom line, though, is that a mom does many things that go unnoticed when completed but would be expensive to outsource.

However, I don't like that the emphasis is on a mother's tasks. To me, my job entails much more than cleaning and stocking the pantry. Spending time with my children, playing and teaching them has more value than a well-trained sitter doing the job for me. What value do my children place on being all day with the person that loves them more than anyone else on this earth? My daughter says to me she loves that I'm waiting at home for her when she steps off the bus. Would it be detrimental for my kids to be in daycare? Probably not. Preferable? No.

Every so often I get cabin fever and calculate what the outcome would be if I worked "in the real world". Let's say for argument's sake daycare costs $30/kid/day. I'm sure it's more in the big cities. My daughter would go to an after-school program; the one at her school costs $35/week. Add to that each month another $150 or more for fuel and insurance for my vehicle and another $100 or so for a work wardrobe. Then consider that I wouldn't have as much time for housework and cooking, which means I would bring the cleaning lady back and probably buy more takeout - let's say the food costs go up 25-30%, which for our family means $150 more.

All told, this increases my monthly costs by about $2100, which translates into $13/hr after taxes. This is just to cover my costs. I am a recent college grad with very little experience in my field. Where I live, someone with my skill set might start around $30-35,000. This works out to $15-17.50/hr before taxes. Factor in taxes and the loss of tax credits your husband would otherwise receive if you didn't work, and you'll quickly see that in this scenario you are working for free or possibly losing money. Obviously as you gain experience you'll earn more, but the first years will be hard and you lose this valuable time with your babies. Once they are older I might reconsider. Talk about a mother's worth? It may be that a working mom is worth less than her SAHM counterpart.

Where does this leave me? For now, I am happy to stay at home and halfheartedly browse around for opportunities that would allow me to work from home. I take pride in preparing from-scratch meals that are properly planned and nutritionally balanced. I like that I can attend school and extracurricular events with my daughter and storytime at the library with my sons. I love not having to do my hair or get out of my comfy clothes unless I'm leaving the house. I'm glad I have time for talking to my friends and family on the phone. I'm grateful that I can be the one to kiss the skinned knee and make a total mess of the kitchen baking cookies with my little apes.

Cost of a professional babysitter for a day: $100
Raising my children myself: priceless
There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, well, you know the rest.

I would love to hear your opinions on this topic!