Talking to Your Kids About Sex... Or Not

"Mom, can I have a Bratz doll?"

"No."

"Why? Everyone else has--"

"No."

Exaggerated sigh.

"I don't think they are appropriate for you."

"'Appropriate'?"

"Right. They have too much makeup on and their clothing is far too promiscuous."

"'Promiscuous'?"

"You know, hootchie gear."

"'Hootchie'?"

"If you dressed like that, the boys would get... ideas."

"'Ideas'?"

"They'd want to do... things with you."

"'Things'?"

I sat there with my head in hands, searching for the right words to communicate my concerns. I come from a very conservative Mennonite background and must blush whenever naughty words are used. Unfortunately, using vague ideas and euphemisms doesn't quite capture the message.

Recently I had decided to get over my heebie-jeebies and start using proper names for certain body parts. I quickly learned my lesson, and publicly. It turns out that when one is in Costco and one's son is calling his brother a "penis head", one wishes one would have stuck with "winkie".

I had The Talk with Tweenie last summer. It took a good hour to get through the main points with plenty of awkward silences and beating around the bush, but I managed to muscle my way flame-faced past all the terminology and whatnot. I had prepped for this little chat by reading up on another mommy blog who clearly is much more comfortable with such things than I, but yet I still found myself struggling. It was a lot less embarrassing for Tweenie - is that weird?

Still, talking girl to girl is one thing. I told Husband that the boys are his department. He agreed, and yet I feel uneasy. Will he actually talk it all out with them? Or will it be more like: "Dudes, don't get into trouble with the ladies."

"'Trouble'?"

Will they choose to interpret this as "don't get caught" or "don't do anything I wouldn't" - neither of these choices is acceptable to me. I dated him, remember? I know what went on; I was there.

When I was that age, my mom sat me down on the sofa with the B volume of the World Book Encyclopedia. She turned to Body and showed me the various transparencies.

"Let me know if you have any questions," she called over her shoulder as she got the heck outta there. And so I received a very clinical education, peppered with words like "scrotum", "urethra", "fallopian tubes", "glands", and "coitus".

Would it have been a more educationally satisfying conversation if we had resorted to "boobies" and "willies"? Hard to say.