I'm steamed

A recent blog post in the online edition of the Orlando Sentinel caught my eye. Entitled "Captain, we have an evil-doer aboard this flight", it discussed a recent news bulletin about a mom and her tot who were removed from a plane because the toddler was being disruptive. Disruptive because the child was calling "bye-bye, plane" to other aircraft on the tarmac during the safety announcements.

I don't know about you, but I always listen to the super important information and take the time to peruse the safety card conveniently located in the seat pocket. And by always, I mean never. Which makes me a stupid passenger, I suppose, but at least I'm not the hyper teen gabbling to my friend on my cellphone whilst the plane free-falls to the ground, nor am I the obnoxious businessman in first class downing scotch and laughing loudly at Seinfeld reruns while people are trying to sleep in the next row.

Ok, to be fair, apparently the mother was not attempting to quiet her son and he wasn't using an indoor voice. That is irritating, and in my pre-kid days I would certainly have whipped out the death glare I ordinarily save for idiots on the interstate and probably asked the steward for a seat change.

But to kick them off the plane? Not only this, but the stewardess told the mother to shut her kid up and drug him with Benadryl. Wow.

Reading further, I came upon the comments section. Here I feel the need to warn you that in case you are stupid enough to empathize with the mother at all, you may become so enraged at the asinine submissions of some less sympathetic readers; I cannot be held accountable for your reaction. In fact I won't even spoil it for you, you should read them yourself. I think you'll figure out very quickly which comment is mine.

Oh crap, now I outed myself.

Perhaps the reason this hits a little close to home is that I'm planning a trip back to my hometown next month and am already dreading the flight with 3 children sans Husband. Tantie will be joining me, bless her heart, and another such brave soul I have never met in my life. I expect some stressful hours and aforementioned death glares from other passengers. I did not anticipate, however, the possibility of being hauled off to the airport security office at some point along my way. This has me up nights, no exaggeration.

I am the type who has imaginary arguments in my head, for planning purposes I tell myself. In the end, though, I decided that a shouting match with airline employees and other passengers would not well serve my purposes, and so this is what I do intend to do, should this situation arise.

I will smile sweetly. I will invite all offended parties to the airport bar so that I can atone for my children's atrocious behavior by treating everyone to a few drinks. I will charm them with kindness and they will feel horrible for their reaction. They will apologize and offer me free flights for life to any destination.

What in truth will happen is that Tantie and I will give it to them with both barrels in stereo. We will attempt to outshout each other in our violent defense of the, at this point probably petrified, children. We will be arrested and barred from air travel for the rest of our lives. We will run tattling to the newspapers and parade my beautiful children in their Sunday clothes for the cameras. I will cry quietly, with dignity. We will sell our story to A&E and make a bajillion dollars.

See you on The View!